I dont kno what was worse. Waking up 2 a guy next to me thinking I got blackout or realizing it was your boyfriend.
there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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