But if ***** wants to get filthy... Tell her to throw a text my way ;)
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
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