i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
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