I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
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