So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
Randomize
