Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
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