In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
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