I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize
