Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
