Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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