Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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