I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
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