dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
Small Doughy Asian men and sleeveless hoodies with nothing underneath do not mix well.
Sounds like the climatic scene of my favorite erotic novel.
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
Randomize
