My friends, they love my intelligence
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
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