accomplished twins. life is a go
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
So many bounce houses so little time
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
