remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
Randomize
