good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
