i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
Randomize
