He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
Ketchup is God's man juice
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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