Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
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