She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
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