I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
