one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
