I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
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