Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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