dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
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