Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
