so craigslist just dropped their "erotic services" ads. there goes our livelyhood
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
