Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
Randomize
