Just saw a car with license plate GYPSYS that was full of gypsies
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
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