Omg I def was not. I wasn't that drunk. I showed that I stuff my bra but I didn't whip my tit out.
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
Randomize
