tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
We are two peas in an std pod
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
Randomize
