So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Randomize
