uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
We named our party play list daddy issues
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
Randomize
