smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
Randomize
