I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Randomize
