I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Randomize
