its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
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