Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
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