I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
The beer is more important than you right now.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Randomize
