The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
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