Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
