woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
let me know it goes. try not to get bit. and if you can, get someone to videotape it.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize
