I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
