OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
Of course I have a pirate flag
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Randomize
