my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
Randomize
