Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
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