Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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