I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
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