The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Randomize
