she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Randomize
