Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
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