I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
What should i be more turned off about... his massive collection of condoms or that he asked me to sign my name by number 68 on the list posted on his wall?
I think the two go hand in hand.
Adams eating in the shower, he says it's one of his favorite places to eat. Btw it's milanos he's eating, he says he loves italy too.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
