Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
Is Oprah even human
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
